Building Connections or Breaking Bonds?

I recently read an article in my Today’s Parent magazine entitled (Anti)social Media.  The premise of the article was that while social media sites like Facebook and Twitter help people stay connected with people online, it may be at the expense of spending time with the people in your own home.  I would argue that it isn’t just social networking sites that take our attention away from those in our immediate company, but rather any of the technology that we have at our fingertips to ‘stay connected’.  We’re using our laptops, iPads and Smartphones to converse, yet may be neglecting what (or who) is right under our nose. 

During breakfast with my three and four year old boys, I used to check my email on my phone.  I figured it didn’t really matter; they dawdled while they ate, we didn’t really engage in any ‘real’ conversation and I could get some work done before I went out the door.  Breakfast, however, started to become a bit of a gong show; juice spilled, half-eaten pieces of toast and two little boys arguing and fighting with each other.  I would get angry and frustrated, email wouldn’t get checked because I was now breaking up the morning version of WWE and cleaning up breakfast off the floor, and we would all walk out the door agitated.  I soon realized that the source of this contention was the fact that I was on my phone and not paying attention to my children.  They knew that when I was emailing, that my focus was not on them, and they didn’t like that.  Their misbehaviour, although negative attention, was their way of getting that focus back.  Once I had this revelation, I put down my phone and realized that, in fact, there was much more to breakfast than dawdling kids munching on their toast.  We started having ‘real’ conversations about what we were going to do that day and other ‘important’ things in the lives of little boys.  They started to help prepare their breakfast and clean up.   I wasn’t getting my email checked in the morning before work, but I was having an enjoyable time, sharing a meal with my children before we set off for our day.

I had similar experiences when I needed time to get some work done during the day (when I was at home on my days off) and took out my laptop.  If the boys wanted my attention, the misbehaviour began, everyone became frustrated and angry, and nothing was accomplished.  They saw the computer as a barrier between us and I think that even at such a young age they began to resent my time spent on my computer.  It could be argued, of course, that my children shouldn’t expect my full attention all of the time and that their negative behaviour shouldn’t be rewarded.  This is very true, but it’s also true that the computer can consume one’s time, and that a few minutes of work (“just give me a minute boys”) can turn into an hour (or two).  Kids don’t get this.  Now when I do need to spend some time on my computer to get work done (report cards) I explain to them what I need to do, make sure that they are occupied by something that they enjoy doing independently, and set myself a time limit to be on my computer.  Although this isn’t a full-proof method, they are starting to understand that mommy on the computer (or Smartphone) doesn’t have to mean that they won’t get my time.

On The Happiness Project blog, Gretchin Rubin has a quote with a short video “The days may be long, but the years are short”.   This video really hit home with me as it reminded me of the experiences that we have from just ‘living’.  Watching others and experiencing the world around us, Being Present, is not only rewarding but is really what life is all about.  The article in Today’s Parent also suggests that we “Be Present for Events” by putting our technology away for a short time to enjoy the event that is happening in our immediate presence.  That doesn’t mean getting rid of our technology which we all love and which does build connections to our friends and family, but to perhaps be mindful of the power it can have over us, and to remember to nurture the bonds that are only a hand-hold away.

References

Green, J.M. (2012). (Anti) social media.  Today’s Parent. 29(1). Pg 75-76